There is something frightening going on with me.
I don't understand it myself but lately, I found my behaviour and my mind becoming something very dangerous, even though only for me. I've begun to have suicidal thinking.
When I climb up or go down stairs, there is this moment in which I think about what will happen if I just let go of my balance and let myself have a free fall. There is this frigthening urge that sometimes almost push me to just let myself being pulled by gravitation. When I ride home on the back of my father's motorcycle, there is this moment in which I hope that father will lose his balance and we will fall and other vehicles driven in high speed, will drive past my body.
It is... unsettling. Unnerving. And I don't really know what happen. I hope that it is only because lately, I'm not so close with Allah SWT. I've got my period. But those moments came to me before I got my period. And I don't really know what to do.
Rabu, 25 Maret 2009
Minggu, 11 Januari 2009
Today has just become more interesting than what i was expected.
This is monday. and it is supposed to be the first day of the new school term. second term exactly. And after two weeks of holiday, which wasnt enough, i decided that it won't be too demanding to have another day of doing practically nothing studious and has no connection with school. Hence, here i am, typing another blog for those who want to read it.
But hey, i said to myself this morning before i went to my favorite internet cafe. It will be totally boring if i just ask Mama to let me free of school today. So I told my parents that I would go to school. And I told Papa that he didn't need to drive me school because I had asked my aunt to find me a driver to do so. Then I kissed Mama and reminded her to transfer some money to my account. Then I put my raincoat inside my bag (because it was raining), then I wore my cardigan and my sister's shoes (which she wasn't going to use because she has another shoes that she really likes at present), then I told them goodbye, i'm going, then i just went out and walked to my relative's house, and stayed there for a while.
Really, at first, i thought today, everything would be going as usual. Me staying in my relative's house, watching news about Israel invasion to Gaza before going out at about 8 o'clock to my favorite internet cafe, and stay there until lunch comes. So, as usual, me and my aunt (who knew that I ditch school, again) went out of her sister's home at about a quarter to eight. She was going to the market (a traditional, cheaper market) and I was going to the internet cafe. But on the way out, we met my uncle (who is my aunt's brother-in-law) and he told us that he saw Papa on a roadside not so far from our current location.
My heart skipped a beat and my aunt, anxiously asked me: "What are you going to do?"
And I answered: "Yah, nothing. I will just avoid him."
THen she said: "I will see where he is exactly."
And she did just that. She looked for him one the first quarter while i'm waiting. Then she looked for him again at another quarter, now, nearer to my destination, then she said that she didn't saw him. "But, don't walk to the internet cafe. We will just use angkot (a public transportation which made from modified car)." And that was what I did.
And inside the angkot, my aunt said: "Look! He is there!" She appointed someone behind me, and of course, knowing that Papa would recognize my face, I didn't look behind my back. I asked my aunt, "Did he look this way?" "No. Well, I think he is looking for some equipment."
I nodded at her and chuckled quietly. I got down in front of the internet cafe I was heading to, my aunt paid for my fee. Then I entered the cafe immediately after the owner had finished opening it.
Well, I thought while laughing quietly (and almost maniacally and I believe I had a rather large grin at that time) and I snorted to myself, today has just become more interesting than what i had been expected all along. And who knows how more interesting it will get?
But hey, i said to myself this morning before i went to my favorite internet cafe. It will be totally boring if i just ask Mama to let me free of school today. So I told my parents that I would go to school. And I told Papa that he didn't need to drive me school because I had asked my aunt to find me a driver to do so. Then I kissed Mama and reminded her to transfer some money to my account. Then I put my raincoat inside my bag (because it was raining), then I wore my cardigan and my sister's shoes (which she wasn't going to use because she has another shoes that she really likes at present), then I told them goodbye, i'm going, then i just went out and walked to my relative's house, and stayed there for a while.
Really, at first, i thought today, everything would be going as usual. Me staying in my relative's house, watching news about Israel invasion to Gaza before going out at about 8 o'clock to my favorite internet cafe, and stay there until lunch comes. So, as usual, me and my aunt (who knew that I ditch school, again) went out of her sister's home at about a quarter to eight. She was going to the market (a traditional, cheaper market) and I was going to the internet cafe. But on the way out, we met my uncle (who is my aunt's brother-in-law) and he told us that he saw Papa on a roadside not so far from our current location.
My heart skipped a beat and my aunt, anxiously asked me: "What are you going to do?"
And I answered: "Yah, nothing. I will just avoid him."
THen she said: "I will see where he is exactly."
And she did just that. She looked for him one the first quarter while i'm waiting. Then she looked for him again at another quarter, now, nearer to my destination, then she said that she didn't saw him. "But, don't walk to the internet cafe. We will just use angkot (a public transportation which made from modified car)." And that was what I did.
And inside the angkot, my aunt said: "Look! He is there!" She appointed someone behind me, and of course, knowing that Papa would recognize my face, I didn't look behind my back. I asked my aunt, "Did he look this way?" "No. Well, I think he is looking for some equipment."
I nodded at her and chuckled quietly. I got down in front of the internet cafe I was heading to, my aunt paid for my fee. Then I entered the cafe immediately after the owner had finished opening it.
Well, I thought while laughing quietly (and almost maniacally and I believe I had a rather large grin at that time) and I snorted to myself, today has just become more interesting than what i had been expected all along. And who knows how more interesting it will get?
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