I am afraid of myself

There is something frightening going on with me.

I don't understand it myself but lately, I found my behaviour and my mind becoming something very dangerous, even though only for me. I've begun to have suicidal thinking.

When I climb up or go down stairs, there is this moment in which I think about what will happen if I just let go of my balance and let myself have a free fall. There is this frigthening urge that sometimes almost push me to just let myself being pulled by gravitation. When I ride home on the back of my father's motorcycle, there is this moment in which I hope that father will lose his balance and we will fall and other vehicles driven in high speed, will drive past my body.

It is... unsettling. Unnerving. And I don't really know what happen. I hope that it is only because lately, I'm not so close with Allah SWT. I've got my period. But those moments came to me before I got my period. And I don't really know what to do.